Thank you to those readers who noticed the absence of this column in the last issue of the Advocate, and who took the time to write with their concerns. Readers like L.C. in Chesapeake who wrote, “Finally, an issue where I don’t have to read your drivel!” And R.P. in Nelson County, “An Advocate without you is like a day without a root canal. Thank you!” And, my personal favorite from “The Honorable” D.W.M. in Fairfax, “Does this mean that you are no longer the editor? Please don’t toy with me this way!”
Sorry to disappoint, D.W.M., but in truth I did not submit an article for the Winter 08 issue in solidarity with my brethren and sistren of the Writers Guild of America. Now that the strike is over, I’m back to work.
As is our practice each Spring here at the Advocate, we have once again asked DJJ Legislative & Policy Wonk Deron Phipps to provide our Members with an overview of the recent Virginia Legislative Session. Deron’s article can be found on the front page of this publication. If you haven’t read it yet, go ahead. I’ll wait.
Now, wasn’t that an interesting twist? Deron focused on the legislation that didn’t pass during the 2008 Session. Surely the esteemed members of the Virginia House and Senate voted to endorse some legislation during their recent Session. Let’s take a look.
Well of course, here’s HB1372, “Inspection of honey houses; repeal. This Bill repeals the duplicative authority of the Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services to regulate the sanitary conditions in places where honey is stored and manufactured under the beekeeping laws.” There’s a problem I’ve been losing sleep over for lo these many months.
HB1429 was another piece of landmark legislation that had delegates and senators burning the midnight oil in the Emerald City: “Golf carts on public highways. Allows the operation of golf carts on public highways within the boundaries of the Town of Claremont.” Can somebody answer this question for me: Where is Claremont, Virginia? And don’t say it’s the place where all those people ride around in golf carts, because that doesn’t help.
Also on the subject of motor vehicle regulations, HB1557 made the following into law: “Mopeds. Provides that a person who operates a moped in excess of 35 miles per hour will be deemed to be operating a motorcycle.” I guess that means if I get a donkey to go 35 miles an hour I’ll be riding a horse.
HB1482 is another beauty: “Damage from bears; non-lethal control measures. Authorizes the Director of the Department of Game and Inland Fisheries to employ non-lethal control measures to control bears that are damaging property. Currently the Director may relocate the bear, but is not explicitly authorized to use other non-lethal control measures such as fencing.” What’s that number for Game & Inland Fisheries, sweet heart? I want the Director to come out and build us a bear fence. And let’s have him Velcro those trash can lids while he’s at it.
According to HJ5, “October in 2008 and in each year thereafter, is Right Choices for Youth Month in Virginia to promote the formation of character and integrity in young Virginians.” So what are we supposed to do with our kids for the other 11 months of the year, help them make wrong choices? But wait! October is going to be pretty crowded from now on because by virtue of HJ26, it will also be “Dyslexia Awareness Month. Designating October, in 2008 and in each succeeding year, as Dyslexia Awareness Month in Virginia.” This reminds me of the dyslexic agnostic who wondered is there really is a dog.
But they weren’t done yet. Oh, no. The Legislature then went on to pass HJ27, “Valentines, Virginia Day. Designates February 14, in 2008 and in each succeeding year, as Valentines, Virginia Day in the Commonwealth.” February 14 is ALREADY Valentines Day! It’s been Valentines Day for as long as I can remember!! Does this mean another gift for my wife? Her birthday is February 12 and the jewelry store is bleeding me dry! And don’t forget to mark your calendar for June 12. Thanks to our elected representatives (and HJ220) that shall forever be Philippine Independence Day in Virginia. I hope we get the day off.
HJ76 is a real winner: “Town of Independence. Recognizes the Town of Independence as the Official Home of the Grand Privy Race in Virginia.” Say, buddy, where ya from? I’m from Independence, Virginia. We race OUTHOUSES in the streets. We’re the Official Home of the outhouse race. That’s cool. I’m from Claremont, Virginia. We drive golf carts all over town.
You folks think I’m making all this up, don’t you. But I’m not. This is REAL! Check out HJ184: “Wild Spanish mustangs; resolution. Recognizes the historic value and importance of the last known wild herd of Spanish mustangs living on the barrier islands of Virginia.” Those mustangs should be thankful they were born Spanish horses instead of Virginia bears! They might get a tranquilizer dart in their butts and wake up behind a fence watching the privy races in Independence.
And let’s not forget all those Commendations the Legislature took time to formulate during their time in the Planet Richmond; Three Cheers for everybody from the Augusta and Rockbridge Counties 4-H livestock judging team (HJ 268) to the National Fruit Product Company, Inc. (HJ304) to what must have been every high school volleyball team in the state!
And last but most assuredly not least, for those of you State Employees who use a computer to conduct daily business there is HJ613: “Commending the Information Technology Investment Board, Virginia Information Technologies Agency, Northrop Grumman Corporation, and the agencies and vendors for successfully moving the Commonwealth's computing and network processing center.” I kid you not. You can look it up.
http://legis.state.va.us/1_cit_guide/how_track.html
(Gary Conway is the Director of the 25th District Court Service Unit with offices in Staunton, Waynesboro, Lexington, Covington and Botetourt.)
