Stimulus: 1. incentive – something that encourages an activity or a process to begin, increase, or develop; 2. something arousing interest – an agent or factor that provokes interest, enthusiasm, or excitement; 3. cause of physical response – something that causes a physical response in an organism.
Like the government’s economic stimulus package. Encouraging economic activity. Arousing economic interest, enthusiasm, and excitement. Or, as some might say, spending a bunch of money we don’t have on stuff we don’t need.
On February 10th, Virginia launched Stimulus.gov on the internet to solicit ideas from the citizenry on how the Commonwealth could benefit from federal stimulus funds. When the time limit for submitting ideas ended on March 6th, Virginians had suggested over 9,000 potential projects with a price tag totaling $465,637,730,037. On a recent rainy weekend, I decided to read all of the 9,000+ proposals just so you wouldn’t have to.
Among the projects suggested by our fellow Virginians is a plethora of community improvement projects. Frequently suggested was the creation or expansion of walking, bicycling, horseback riding, and all terrain vehicle trails. Bringing broadband computer access to rural areas was also a popular idea, as was bridge repair, the replacement of water mains, and school building maintenance. Several localities want to purchase hybrid dump trunks; the skylights at the Henrico County Courthouse need to be replaced; the Danville Police Department needs 20 assault rifles; and the City of Hopewell could really use a 9-hole golf course. Charlottesville needs lighting for their girls’ softball field, and someone in Rockingham County suggests converting poultry feathers into biodegradable products.
I realize that I may have stretched the truth in this column in the past. Maybe. But these proposals and the ones that follow were taken directly from www.stimulus.gov. You can look them up. Some of the creators of these proposed projects should receive awards for their creativity, honesty, and straightforwardness. Here are our nominations.
The CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME AWARD goes to John Bacak of Loudoun County for his three proposals:
“My oldest child is in her last semester at VCU. I need $7,800 to pay for her tuition, room and living expenses. She will need this to graduate and therefore
become someone who will then be producing additional income and stimulating the VA economy.”
“I have a family of 6 and we live in Loudoun County. I am a native of Virginia. My request for $259,000 would be used to pay off my mortgage so I will not need to worry about keeping a roof over my family. I will no longer worry about predatory lenders or high interest rates. The house needs some work but with you paying off the mortgage I will be able to use the savings to buy additional building materials to make the home more livable and green. Please help me stay in Virginia and payoff my mortgage.”
“I am requesting $45,000 to provide transportation infrastructure to the Bacak Family. Our current family car is 8 years old. I would use this money to purchase an American made GM Chevy Suburban. This will not only help my family but General Motors and the USA. I believe this would be in the spirit of what President Obama would want you to do. This is a shovel ready project that would make an impact this year.”
Runner up in this category is Chameka Gross who wrote:
“I need help paying my medical bills and getting out of debt. I am also trying to attend college. I need the funds to do that. With this free money it would help tremendously.”
Ed. Note: Ms. Gross’ proposed budget for this project is listed as $1.2 million.
An Honorable Mention for the CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME AWARD is Buffy St. Clair of Page County, who made this simple suggestion which had a meager $92,000 price tag:
“With the economy the way it is, no one will give me a loan to buy my family their first home. The President wants to boost the housing market so why not give me the money to buy my family a home.”
Ed. Note: I like a straight-talkin’ woman; and the name ‘Buffy.’
Our nomination for the BUDGET BUSTER AWARD goes to Josh Van Dyke for this proposal:
“Any and all projects to improve congestion in Northern Virginia.”
The anticipated cost of the project is $10 billion.
The IN YOUR DREAMS AWARD nomination is Charles Hurt who proposed the following:
“Use the whole 4 Billion and give every state employee a pay raise. We can’t keep food on the table and roofs over our heads!!!!!”
We have two nominations for the ENTREPENURIAL SPIRIT AWARD. First, the owners of the 460 Service Center who suggested:
“We have a 7 bay garage and would really like to be able to improve the efficiency of our shop. We need 4 lifts, a 4 post and a 2 post. We need a new tire machine. We need to put better lighting throughout the shop. We would really like to be able to put a paint booth in the shop, but the cost of construction and insurance is too much for us to be able to afford.”
Also nominated in this category is Joy Shaw who needs $75,000 for “planning” this “Human Services Program.”
“Who: Bundles of Joy Diaper Delivery Service. What: Cloth diapers to moms in every income bracket. When: Diapers delivered weekly and picked up weekly. Why: Prevents waste in the environment, saves new mothers money, kids potty train faster, natural cotton diapers are hypo-allergenic, creates opportunities to market healthy practices to new moms.”
The XEROX AWARD FOR DUPLICITY goes to E. Pauron Wheeler who actually submitted this proposal FIVE TIMES written exactly the same way:
“America in Review will publish sheet music, CDs, DVDs, and educational materials on Virginia’s and America’s heritage. America in Review’s objective is to stimulate motivation to keep America great. A.I.R. will produce dramatic re-enactments and feature instrumental performances of the favorite music of our U.S. Presidents. More U.S. Presidents were born in Virginia than in any other state. America in Review explores exciting ways for children as well as adults to experience and appreciate our history. Its major targets are the public schools, private schools, home schools, and universities. A.I.R.’s vision is to inspire patriotism and instill a greater love and appreciation for the United States and help America regain its vision and character.”
Ed. Note: Want to “help America regain its vision and character”? Stop trying to get taxpayer money to finance goofy ideas.
The PUT THE CHILDREN TO SLEEP AWARD goes to Gwendolyn Edwards of Danville:
“After Hours Classical Concert Series for Children will be a free activity that will introduce the younger community to a variety of classical music from several periods that includes but not limited to the Baroque Period, Romantic Period, Classical Period, and the Harlem Renaissance.”
Finally, from the Stimus.gov website come two nominations for the OUTSIDE THE BOX AWARD. First is a $20 million proposal from Steven McKay of York”
“We need to make use of all of the waterfront areas of the state with casinos and riverboats. Of course there would be opponents, but look at the potential job growth, tourist dollars, and tax revenue. It could be a more family friendly version of Atlantic City. I’m sure there are companies willing to put up the money for these projects. Lease the land to them for 50 years.”
And for a mere $25 million, Charles Haywood suggests we plan this:
“Dredge Oysters belong to the Ostreidae family. Their shell has varied colours from white to dull purple brown. The left is ridged and cupped while the right shell lies flat and has scaly layers. The interior of the shell appears luminous. Dredge Oyster Fishery - Dredge Oysters are endemic to New Zealand, where they are widely distributed around the coast, and from dense beds in gravel or coarse sand bottoms from 20 to 50 meters deep. Dredge Oyster Meat Quality – Dredge Oyster flesh has shades of white, gray, gold and black. The creamy coloured meat is delicate and succulent, with a medium oil content. Will need help from the Seafood Industry Council in New Zealand to start this program.”
The 9,000+ project proposals are now in the hands of the Governor’s Stimulus Working Group. From there they will be sent to the Cabinet Secretaries for review and evaluation. Governor Kaine will let us know which projects will be funded as he completes the selection process.
But before the final decisions are made, we offer these suggestions recently put forth by way of the St. Petersburg (Florida) Times in response to the Business Editor’s question: “How would you fix the economy?”
Dear Mr. President,
Patriotic retirement:
There's about 40 million people over 50 in the work force - pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs, therefore creating forty million job openings -Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars, which means forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
Can't get any easier than that!
Jim Wright
Phoenix USA, Inc.
Gary Conway is the Director of the 25th District Court Service Unit with offices in Staunton, Waynesboro, Lexington, Covington and Botetourt.)
