Transportation Report to the House of Delegates
My recent vacation to France was a ruse. It can now be revealed that I was on a double-secret assignment to spy on the French for the House Transportation Committee. In his infinite wisdom, former Chairman, Delegate Leo Wardrup, knew that we would be facing a continued crisis in transportation. Prior to his retirement, he appointed me to the heretofore unknown Transportation Subcommittee Number 9, of which I am Chairman (and the only member). So here it is ladies and gentlemen, Plan 9 from France.
I met my French contact in Paris to begin our discussion of the French transportation system. I revealed to him that unlike France, there are many people in Virginia who are loathe paying for transportation improvements. He surprised me by forcefully stating that the people of France also refuse to pay for transportation improvements, because that is a job.....for the government!
Realizing now that even in France, taxes were a dirty word, I set out to find new solutions to our transportation gridlock. The first innovation I discovered was the French tolling system. As I approached my first French tollbooth, I saw that there were 74 credit cards that they did not accept and none that they did. As I sat there in confusion, with traffic piling up behind me composed mostly of upset people, an angry voice emanated from the tollbooth speaker and began to yell at me in French. Not speaking French, I began to panic and throw change into 'le basket'. The screaming persisted, so finally my wife Julia emptied her purse on the floor of the car and we began to throw currency into 'le basket'. Canadian coins, American dollars, Euros; it swallowed them all. After what seemed like an eternity…. it was finally over. The screaming stopped and the gate lifted. I drove through and immediately parked on the side of the road to calm down and catch my breath, at which time I asked my wife how much we spent. She replied, "Somewhere between 35 and 50 Euros." I gasped, "How much is that in American money?" She replied that she wasn't sure because the dollar had been dropping against the Euro all day. According to my calculations though, if we applied the French toll collection methodology to Virginia it would provide us $11 billion a year for transportation. There is no need to have JLARC verify these numbers, as I checked them three times.
We proceeded on our trip along their beautiful highway system, when I began to notice something. French cars are really short. When we arrived at the next town, I began to take careful measurements in order to compare them to American cars. My calculations have revealed that a 15 mile backup on the Capital Beltway (which in House-speak is from Delegate Sickles to Delegate Vanderhye) could be reduced to a 10 mile backup (which is only from Delegates Watts to Scott) if only we had shorter cars! Who knew?!?
The final French innovation I discovered is their use of this thing called the metric system. When you're doing 140, it seems like you're really flying. I explained to my French contact that it takes our Delegate Phillips six hours to get to Richmond; he stated that when you do the metric conversion, his trip will only seem like an hour and fifteen minutes. Clever people these French! As a matter of fact, the speed limit in rest stops is 50, and when you're doing 50 in a rest stop, you're making good time. As I approached my first French gas station, I was pleased to see the cost of gas was $1.29 Euros. While this is per liter, if we switched to this metric system, Virginia drivers would remain unaware, and will think they're getting really cheap gas. I told my French contact that surely they would catch on. He told me no, he was assured by the French Academy of Science that no one has successfully devised a formula for converting liters into gallons.
With these secrets having revealed themselves to me, I will undoubtedly be a major player at the June 23rd Special Session. While I'm at it, here are the top 10 things I learned in France, in no particular order.
1. Bon-Bon is a beloved French cartoon character....DO NOT visit his museum.
2. Traffic rotaries are great things when you're lost; you can drive in endless circles while looking at a map and it only ends when you figure out your exit, or your wife becomes violently ill.
3. The only thunder and lightening I experienced in France occurred the moment I entered the Grand Chapel of the Palace of the Popes; I took this as a bad sign.
4. The French National Assembly had their own transportation package last year, in
FB (French Bill) "A trois milles-deux cents-deux" (English translation: HB 3202--Transportation funding bill). That's right folks; they took a run at this bad boy themselves. As you can see from the link, they too had some funding sustainability problems with it. (http://marsdenfordelegate.com/BridgeOverAvignon.htm)
5. Do not order 'freedom fries' in Paris. They do not find it nearly as amusing as we do.
6. The French have done the impossible by improving the "Special Sauce" in Le Big Mac.
7. The French are not good planners. When they built their cities in the 11th Century they constructed very narrow streets obviously not envisioning the American SUV. This really hurts our export market.
8. I visited the French Defense Ministry and met the Minister who is in charge of telling U.S. Presidents "Non" when it comes to military assistance. I asked him if I could have a tour; he said 'Non'. He's very good at his job.
9. The Louvre is too big.
10. Lastly, careful as I was, I got a traffic ticket on one of their super highways. When I asked the gendarme what the fine would be, he said 10 Euros. "That's not bad," I replied, and he said, "Well, this is not all. Because you were doing 186 in a 170, you have qualified for a Contravention pour Exces de Vitessse Abusive." That's right folks, a French abusive driver fee. I asked him if he had ever heard of Delegate Dave Albo, and he replied "Mais oui, he is a national hero in France!" "Well, how much will this cost me," I inquired. He said it would be $3,000 Euros. "I can't afford that!" I screamed. "No problem Monsieur" he replied, "we have for you…… le payment plan!"
Well there you have it folks. It's good to be back. People are great wherever you go. See you in Richmond!
--Dave
Mr. Marsden is a member of the Virginia House of Delegates representing the 41st District (Fairfax County). He is also a long standing member of and a past president of the association.
