This is my favorite column of the year to write, because it literally writes itself. All I have to do is listen throughout the year to the strange things my family says, jot them down in my notebook, then compile what we call our “Kid’s Quotes” for publication. Every one of the following quotes and exchanges took place in my family during 2006. I kid you not. The characters involved are my lovely wife Ann (52), our son Calum (17), our son Atticus (15), and, on occasion, your humble scribe (54).
Ann: How do you spell ‘wait’? As in “wait one minute.”
Calum: W_E_I_G_H_T
Atty: No! It’s W_I_G_H_T.
Calum: That’s what I said.
Ann: Calum, if you clean the table, I’ll make Atty sweep.
Calum: If I clean the table, you’ll make me an egg sandwich?
Atty: (Enroute to a day of fishing at Tam’s Lake) We can buy a hot tub for only three thousand dollars.
Calum: We can’t even afford worms.
Calum: Why do you always chew your food with your mouth open?
Atty: I taste better that way.
Atty: We started Family Life Class at school today. We learned about ovaries and testicles.
Ann: Which do you have?
Atty: Testicles.
Ann: That’s a relief.
Atty: (Reaching across the restaurant table to grab half of Calum’s cheese steak sub) Are you gonna eat that?
Calum: Hey! Get off! That’s a boundary issue!
Atty: I don’t understand boundary issues.
Gary: Think you’d understand a fork sticking out the back of your hand?
Ann: O.K., Atty, time to say your prayers.
Atty: I got a good one to say tonight. Dear God, help me to stay out of fights, or not to get bit anymore; whatever you think is best.
Calum: (Riding in the car to Sunday school): I had a bad dream last night. I stabbed a lot of people with a butter knife.
Ann: How did you feel when you woke up?
Calum: I don’t think I’m awake yet.
Atty: Can I get out here?
Ann: Calum, wake up. We’re home.
Calum: Where is everybody?
Ann: We drove your friends home, Calum. You fell asleep.
Calum: Is that why you took me home last?
Calum: (May14) Happy Mother’s Day, Dad.
Atty: Guess what kind of pickle this is.
Calum: Dill? Sweet? Bread and butter?
Atty: No. Vlasic.
Ann: (Reading from Calum’s report card.) “… Calum tended to ask an excessive number of questions.”
Calum: What’s that mean?
Gary: What’s your fortune cookie say?
Calum: “Repetition does not bring knowledge; understanding does.” … What’s that mean?
Atty: Maybe you’d better read it again.
Ann: (In a hotel room.) Atty, we are going to sleep now. If you must talk, just talk to yourself.
Atty: I can’t talk to myself. I need to talk to somebody I can understand.
Calum: (In a get well card to his school counselor) Dear Marianne, Get well soon. Yoga is not the same without you. Daryl does not know what he is doing. Love, Calum
Gary: Your bookbag is all torn up Atty, what happened?
Atty: It got hit by a car.
(Driving by Ann’s grandmother’s former house)
Ann: When I was a kid and came to visit my grandmother, that big house across the street wasn’t even there.
Calum: Where was it?
Atty: What are these hot dogs made of?
Gary: Chicken
Atty: What kind of chicken?
Calum: You know, chicken chicken.
Atty: Fried chicken? Baked chicken? Chicken nuggets?
Gary: Chicken lips.
Atty: Chickens have lips?
Calum: How many chicken lips are in a hotdog, Dad?
Gary: 23.
Atty: How come Mom doesn’t eat with us anymore?
Ann: Atty, this is the fourth time I’ve asked you to sweep this lettuce off the floor.
Atty: It’s my glasses, Mom, I just can’t see it.
Ann: Well, why don’t you just get down on the floor and suck it up.
Calum: That’s how I do it.
Atty (to Calum): How much time is 130 minutes?
Calum: 2 hours.
Atty: No you Idiot; an hour and a half.
Atty: (Logos Senior High discussion) I don’t get this part about treating everyone like a child of God. We never had that part in our old church. We were Methodists.
Calum (Viewing pictures of his second cousin Faith in her christening gown): Is she real?
Gary: Don’t take your fishing knife into the library.
Calum: Why?
Gary: They might think you’re going to rob them.
Calum: Rob a library? What am I going steal? BOOKS?
Gary: Atty, you must have the devil in your heart today.
Atty: I ain’t got the devil in my heart; it’s just me.
Teacher: What’s causing you to spray Axe in class?
Atty: Me wanting to get girls.
Calum: What day is it?
Gary: Monday
Calum: What time is it?
Gary: 7:15
Calum: What’s the date?
Gary: The 27th
Calum: What time is it?
Calum: What day is it?
Ann: Look on the calendar.
Calum: What time is it?
Ann: Don’t you have a clock?
Calum: What’s the date?
Ann: How would I know?
Calum: Boy, Dad sure knows a lot more than you do.
